Sunday, December 5, 2010

Caitlin's clever counsel regarding the purchasing and wearing of granny panties

(Seeing as how I am an expert on the subject....)

This piece of underwear can get you through unfortunate bloating phases during the month, those post-ice cream binge mornings, and many other fun events where you would prefer not being asked "how far along" you are. (I am an expert on all of the above.) From my experience, it can also get you through the first decade after having children...yes, my oldest is four.

Tip #1. Granny panties, or as I fondly call them, "sucky-inny undies", cos that's what they do, need to be made of binding material. This is a given.

Tip #2. They need to go a lot higher up your torso than regular undies, just a few cm below your bra.. If they are made of a binding material but only go a few cm higher than regular undies, you will get the tell tale bulge that says "I tried to hide my bulge and I failed". Been there.

Tip #3. Be aware of clothing choices that may reveal granny panties, e.g. should you bend over and your shirt rides up at the back. This is a rather embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.

Tip #4. For toilet breaks, I recommend press studs down there. That, or a disabled toilet with a LOT of space for wriggling, and preferably no audience.

Tip #5. While we are on the subject of press studs, you may feel more secure wearing some tiny undies underneath, for the occasions where you make a sudden move, actually make that any move, and you hear "Pop Pop Pop" and realize it is more breezy at this wedding/work function/church service than you had anticipated.

That is all.


  1. very thorough. have you considered having this published in any scientific journals?

  2. Oh yeah, the AMA and Readers Digest are fighting over it :)


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